I asked my bestie to plan my birthday for me this year because, well, in part because I’m still like kind of just generally down since I have no life right now (and I mean that in that I don’t have a social life but also in that due to not having really anything to do I’m low on energy) and I really want to be pampered and cared for and to have people do something special for me. I’ve always wanted a surprise party because I’ve always wanted to be reassured the people I loved loved me and because I love doing that stuff for other people and I want other people to love doing it for me. I’ve just felt so outside of the world the past few months and it’s nobody’s fault but mine but that doesn’t stop it from hurting me even if it’s self-inflicted.
ugh I am the worst I’m really looking forward to moving on with my life and I’m almost there but wieriurahewakjehrer I’m not there yet and right now I am just a kind of depressing creature. Not really depressed, just depressing. I really hope she comes through because I love her so much and she’s been so amazing about making me feel loved like we’ve been best friends since eighth grade when we first met but especially recently I feel like she just cares and everyone is so involved in creating their lives that it’s really sweet to have her dedicate that energy toward me when I really need it, even when I have a hard time being totally receptive. I feel like people don’t very often go out of their way to do things for me (which is totally fair and when I ask for things and try to do it sporadically I get generally good results) but she sent me unsolicited flowers for Valentine’s Day and always makes time for a phone call. It’s nice after always trying so hard to not want too much attention to actually get a little unsolicited from someone I love so much. I could really use a festival of everyone loving me because I want it, even if I might not deserve it.
22 has been weird dudes. Here’s to 23 in a couple weeks.
and now this lengthy self-involved text post will end, thnx for reading, comedy will resume probs whenever I post something next.